Rocky Re-Entry

O Lord, the God who saves me, day and night I cry out before you.  May my prayer come before you; turn your ear to my cry.  For my soul is full of trouble and mu life draws near the grave.  I am counted among those who down to the pit; I am like a man without strength.  I am set apart with the dead, like the slain who lie in the grave, whom you remember no more, who are cut off from your care.

You have put me in the lowest pit, in the darkest depths.  Your wrath lies heavily upon me; you have overwhelmed me with all your waves. You have taken me from my closest friends and have made me repulsive to them.  I am confined and cannot escape; my eyes are dim with grief.

I call to you, O Lord, everyday; I spread out my hands to you.  Do you show your wonders to the dead?   Do those who are dead rise up and praise you?  Is your love declared in the grave, your faithfulness in Destruction?  Are your wonders known in the place of darkness, or your righteous deeds in the land of oblivion?

But, I cry to you for help, O Lord; in the morning my prayers come before you.  Why, O Lord, do you reject me and hide your face from me?

From my youth, I have been afflicted and close to death.  I have suffered your terrors and am in despair.  Your wrath has swept over me; your terrors have destroyed me.  All day long they surround me like a flood; they have completely engulfed me.  You have taken my companions and loved ones from me; the darkness is my closest friend.                                                  Psalm 88

Well, it is coming up on a year of me being back in the USA.  I wish I could say it has been an easy transition and that while there have been tough moments I have learned to trust God more and more, but honestly I am very aware of my unbelief and mistrust in God at the moment..  Psalm 88 which I quoted above has been real and close to my heart.  I have hope that deeper trust in God will happen one day (and sooner than later, please!!), but I wanted to share some of my struggles with my supporters and those who have read my blog.  It's hard for me to talk about, so at least this way you can know how to pray for me and for others you know who are going through this same transition.  The Lord is really helping me see the need for helping support missionaries when they come back off of the mission field. I have had no formal debriefing to help me in transitioning back which has made it even harder.

One word I use to describe this whole past year is suffering.  Suffering that is caused by thoughts from the Evil One: like leaving the mission field is like leaving my faith.  I walked away from God so God walked away from me.  Suffering also comes from a marketplace of options: where do I serve when everyone at my church asked me to join in their ministry the first few weeks I was back!!  Also, the options of food to buy at the grocery store is overwhelming.  Suffering comes from just basic human differences: Colombia is more people focused and the US is focused on time efficiency and everyone says they are busy.  This has caused me suffering as I transition back.  It has also reinforced the idea that I don't really fit in or belong here.  I am now a mix of 2 different cultures, things have moved on here in the US of which I was not apart of.  Where is my hug/greeting when we see each other and when we say good-bye?? (something I am SO used to and came to really love about Colombia.)  Finding people who understand this new "ME" has been difficult and caused suffering.  Even some friends who I thought would be great to reconnect with and who I thought would understand has proved difficult.  I do not fault these friends but consider it just a part of the mixing of my two worlds.

Unbelief Confession: These are things that I know I am struggling to believe about my God.  In my suffering, I have come to realize how I am a part of causing it.  While I don't want to admit these, my heart response to this past year shows me where I need to trust God more and believe Him more.

- That God has purpose for me here in the USA
- That God is enough for me when I am lonely and lacking community (everyone is always really BUSY here)

- That God gives and takes away with good purpose (but why certain friendships??)

- That God will show me his joy and peace that comes out of faith during hard times

- That God is my comfort (or sufficient comfort)

- That God is my strength in ministry and my new job

Journaling...

God, you say that you are everything we need for life and godliness (2 Peter 1:3).  I confess right now that with many things changing and being gone/taken away, I am struggling to believe that.  I am crying out, waiting and expecting you to show me that you are enough when these difficult things are happening.  I know you were plenty enough to follow you to Colombia.  I know you were plenty enough to help me deal with the emotions of my infertility and genetic disorder,  You are the same God, why do I doubt you now?  Please speak into my situation.  You promise to be near to the broken-hearted (Psalm 34:18), but where are you?  I know you are sovereign and my friend.  Why would you allow this suffering to happen?  I am searching for the growth, the increase in trusting you, the refining of my faith, but all I see if hurt, pain, abandonment from you.  I feel I am trusting you less and find no comfort from your Word which I know brings comfort.  Am I blocked from you somehow? Your Word says you will never leave nor forsake your children who believe in you.  I confess I doubted this truth this past year and continue to doubt.  Feeling your distance and that you are not there when I seek you makes me feel like I am forsaken.  How do I rectify this thought when your scripture says your children will never experience that? You came and died on the cross and are the only human that will experience that kind of hell. Confusion, depression, anger, grief all consume me.  Confusion on why home doesn't feel like "home", why my faith feels different.  Depression due to having no community yet re-established (the RE-established being the hard part).  I am home with many of the same people, so I guess I expected it to be easier but I think it made it harder.  Also, sadness over leaving a gospel mission to people who so desperately needed it.  Anger over all these changes overwhelms me.  Grief of all the "loss" have taken over my heart this past year.

Worship and prayer time are just numb.  What once brought me so much joy brings so much pain/sorrow because I know what a vibrant relationship with God feels like.  God was/is worthy of my praise, but my affections are numb to comfort, encouragement, and even conviction from his Word.  Most Sundays at my church I fight back tears during worship feeling like I am forcing myself to sing about gospel truths that my heart is struggling to believe.  One Sunday, Mission Sunday to be exact, I cried on my sister's shoulder during the entire worship time.  She saw my tears and brought me into a hug.  The sermon that morning was based on the Joy of Suffering for Christ on the Mission Field.  One point was that there is tremendous joy that comes from stepping out in faith and suffering on the mission field as you get to see God's hand working in the lives of so many people.  I started to cry again because I feel like I walked away from that joy.  My thoughts went to is maybe that is why I don't feel as much joy in God right now.

Small thoughts and moments that have given me a little hope:
God grants sleep to those he loves - and He granted me sleep on nights when I didn't think it would be possible.  Thankful that God is still faithful to me when I am struggling to believe Him.

Even though it seems like God has forsaken me, I know that what I am feeling must not be true because the Bible promises that God won't forsake his children.

Grateful for an older woman at church who has allowed me to speak what is on my heart with here when I know she tremendously busy with ministering to other women who are struggling.  She has made me feel like my struggle is valid and that someone cares.  Thank you, Laura!!!

Facing my own sin through all of this has been hard.  But, I see moments of hope when I am admit them and confess them to the Lord.  It's at these moments where I feel the distance from Jesus fade away.

Prayer Request:
That I would not give up hope, not give up seeking the Lord even when it seems hard.  I need faith in His forgiveness for my unbelief.

Pray for guidance and faith to use this time to learn from God and to really seek what He is trying to teach me.  I want to be able to help others who are going through or will be going through this process.  My desire right now it to help my church be more aware of how they can help returning missionaries.

Thanks for letting me share,
Blessings,
Carrie