Rocky Re-Entry

O Lord, the God who saves me, day and night I cry out before you.  May my prayer come before you; turn your ear to my cry.  For my soul is full of trouble and mu life draws near the grave.  I am counted among those who down to the pit; I am like a man without strength.  I am set apart with the dead, like the slain who lie in the grave, whom you remember no more, who are cut off from your care.

You have put me in the lowest pit, in the darkest depths.  Your wrath lies heavily upon me; you have overwhelmed me with all your waves. You have taken me from my closest friends and have made me repulsive to them.  I am confined and cannot escape; my eyes are dim with grief.

I call to you, O Lord, everyday; I spread out my hands to you.  Do you show your wonders to the dead?   Do those who are dead rise up and praise you?  Is your love declared in the grave, your faithfulness in Destruction?  Are your wonders known in the place of darkness, or your righteous deeds in the land of oblivion?

But, I cry to you for help, O Lord; in the morning my prayers come before you.  Why, O Lord, do you reject me and hide your face from me?

From my youth, I have been afflicted and close to death.  I have suffered your terrors and am in despair.  Your wrath has swept over me; your terrors have destroyed me.  All day long they surround me like a flood; they have completely engulfed me.  You have taken my companions and loved ones from me; the darkness is my closest friend.                                                  Psalm 88

Well, it is coming up on a year of me being back in the USA.  I wish I could say it has been an easy transition and that while there have been tough moments I have learned to trust God more and more, but honestly I am very aware of my unbelief and mistrust in God at the moment..  Psalm 88 which I quoted above has been real and close to my heart.  I have hope that deeper trust in God will happen one day (and sooner than later, please!!), but I wanted to share some of my struggles with my supporters and those who have read my blog.  It's hard for me to talk about, so at least this way you can know how to pray for me and for others you know who are going through this same transition.  The Lord is really helping me see the need for helping support missionaries when they come back off of the mission field. I have had no formal debriefing to help me in transitioning back which has made it even harder.

One word I use to describe this whole past year is suffering.  Suffering that is caused by thoughts from the Evil One: like leaving the mission field is like leaving my faith.  I walked away from God so God walked away from me.  Suffering also comes from a marketplace of options: where do I serve when everyone at my church asked me to join in their ministry the first few weeks I was back!!  Also, the options of food to buy at the grocery store is overwhelming.  Suffering comes from just basic human differences: Colombia is more people focused and the US is focused on time efficiency and everyone says they are busy.  This has caused me suffering as I transition back.  It has also reinforced the idea that I don't really fit in or belong here.  I am now a mix of 2 different cultures, things have moved on here in the US of which I was not apart of.  Where is my hug/greeting when we see each other and when we say good-bye?? (something I am SO used to and came to really love about Colombia.)  Finding people who understand this new "ME" has been difficult and caused suffering.  Even some friends who I thought would be great to reconnect with and who I thought would understand has proved difficult.  I do not fault these friends but consider it just a part of the mixing of my two worlds.

Unbelief Confession: These are things that I know I am struggling to believe about my God.  In my suffering, I have come to realize how I am a part of causing it.  While I don't want to admit these, my heart response to this past year shows me where I need to trust God more and believe Him more.

- That God has purpose for me here in the USA
- That God is enough for me when I am lonely and lacking community (everyone is always really BUSY here)

- That God gives and takes away with good purpose (but why certain friendships??)

- That God will show me his joy and peace that comes out of faith during hard times

- That God is my comfort (or sufficient comfort)

- That God is my strength in ministry and my new job

Journaling...

God, you say that you are everything we need for life and godliness (2 Peter 1:3).  I confess right now that with many things changing and being gone/taken away, I am struggling to believe that.  I am crying out, waiting and expecting you to show me that you are enough when these difficult things are happening.  I know you were plenty enough to follow you to Colombia.  I know you were plenty enough to help me deal with the emotions of my infertility and genetic disorder,  You are the same God, why do I doubt you now?  Please speak into my situation.  You promise to be near to the broken-hearted (Psalm 34:18), but where are you?  I know you are sovereign and my friend.  Why would you allow this suffering to happen?  I am searching for the growth, the increase in trusting you, the refining of my faith, but all I see if hurt, pain, abandonment from you.  I feel I am trusting you less and find no comfort from your Word which I know brings comfort.  Am I blocked from you somehow? Your Word says you will never leave nor forsake your children who believe in you.  I confess I doubted this truth this past year and continue to doubt.  Feeling your distance and that you are not there when I seek you makes me feel like I am forsaken.  How do I rectify this thought when your scripture says your children will never experience that? You came and died on the cross and are the only human that will experience that kind of hell. Confusion, depression, anger, grief all consume me.  Confusion on why home doesn't feel like "home", why my faith feels different.  Depression due to having no community yet re-established (the RE-established being the hard part).  I am home with many of the same people, so I guess I expected it to be easier but I think it made it harder.  Also, sadness over leaving a gospel mission to people who so desperately needed it.  Anger over all these changes overwhelms me.  Grief of all the "loss" have taken over my heart this past year.

Worship and prayer time are just numb.  What once brought me so much joy brings so much pain/sorrow because I know what a vibrant relationship with God feels like.  God was/is worthy of my praise, but my affections are numb to comfort, encouragement, and even conviction from his Word.  Most Sundays at my church I fight back tears during worship feeling like I am forcing myself to sing about gospel truths that my heart is struggling to believe.  One Sunday, Mission Sunday to be exact, I cried on my sister's shoulder during the entire worship time.  She saw my tears and brought me into a hug.  The sermon that morning was based on the Joy of Suffering for Christ on the Mission Field.  One point was that there is tremendous joy that comes from stepping out in faith and suffering on the mission field as you get to see God's hand working in the lives of so many people.  I started to cry again because I feel like I walked away from that joy.  My thoughts went to is maybe that is why I don't feel as much joy in God right now.

Small thoughts and moments that have given me a little hope:
God grants sleep to those he loves - and He granted me sleep on nights when I didn't think it would be possible.  Thankful that God is still faithful to me when I am struggling to believe Him.

Even though it seems like God has forsaken me, I know that what I am feeling must not be true because the Bible promises that God won't forsake his children.

Grateful for an older woman at church who has allowed me to speak what is on my heart with here when I know she tremendously busy with ministering to other women who are struggling.  She has made me feel like my struggle is valid and that someone cares.  Thank you, Laura!!!

Facing my own sin through all of this has been hard.  But, I see moments of hope when I am admit them and confess them to the Lord.  It's at these moments where I feel the distance from Jesus fade away.

Prayer Request:
That I would not give up hope, not give up seeking the Lord even when it seems hard.  I need faith in His forgiveness for my unbelief.

Pray for guidance and faith to use this time to learn from God and to really seek what He is trying to teach me.  I want to be able to help others who are going through or will be going through this process.  My desire right now it to help my church be more aware of how they can help returning missionaries.

Thanks for letting me share,
Blessings,
Carrie

Which Thief are You?

I have been procrastinating on writing my last few blog posts - mostly because I know it will finalized my time that I have spent serving Christ in Colombia these past 3 years.  But, I recently came across something that my students all wrote during out last bible lesson of the year.

All year, we have been searching for clues as to the mystery of Jesus' death on the cross.  What does it mean?  Why did it happen?  Who killed Jesus?  How did he die?  Where and when did this happen?  These clues from the Old Testament lead us straight to Jesus being the only person that could be the Messiah that God had promised his people.  Once we come to grasp this truth and what the Bible really teaches about Jesus, we can have 2 different responses to Him.  We can see these 2 responses by looking at the 2 thieves who died on the cross next to Jesus.

2 Thieves on the Cross

"Two others also, who were criminals, were being lead away to be put to death with Him.  When they came to place called The Skull, there they crucified Him and the criminals, one on the right and the other on his left.  But Jesus was saying, "Father forgive them, for they do not know what they are doing"  And the people cast lots, dividing up His garments among themselves. And the people stood by, looking on.  And even the rulers were sneering at Him, saying, "He saved others, let Him save Himself if this is the Christ of God, His Chosen One."  The soldiers also mocked Him, coming up to Him, offering Him sour wine and saying, "If you are the King of the Jews, save Yourself!"  Now there was also an inscription above Him.  "THIS IS THE KING OF THE JEWS."  One of the criminals who were hanged there was hurling abuse at Him saying,"Are You not the Christ?  Save yourself and us!"  But the other answered, and rebuking him said, "Do you not even fear God, since you are under the same sentence of condemnation?  And we indeed are suffering justly, for we are receiving what we deserve for our deeds; but this man has done nothing wrong."  And he was saying, "Jesus, remember me when You come into Your kingdom!"  And He said to him, "Truly I say to you, today you shall be with Me in paradise."       Luke 23:32-43


One thief responds with disbelief, rejecting Jesus as King, leading to condemnation and a life in Hell.  The second thief responds with faith and belief in Jesus.  This leads to being forgiven (no condemnation) and eternal life in heaven with Jesus as His Savior.  When we hear about Jesus, our heart can have either of these 2 reactions.  I asked my students to journal about what their response to Jesus was.  For years, they have heard about Jesus, but I wanted them to really think about what they personally believed about Him.  Below are some of their responses...

I'm sorry God.  Sometimes I just care of different things and I forget who you are.  I believe that you are the Only God, King of Kings, Lord of Lords, the only one we should adore.  You are first in my life.  You are not bad, you are not good, you are the BEST!!  I think I am like the one (thief) who did bad things but then repented because I know I do bad things but then I repent.

I believe that Jesus is the Messiah and I think the bible is true word of God and I believe every word of it.  Jesus's death means a lot to me to think that Jesus gave up his life to let me go to heaven is amazing.  I think I am a cross between both criminals.  I know that when I mean or mad at other people it is going straight to Jesus.  That would make me like the first criminal.  But when I am kind and loving, it makes me like the second criminal.  I believe that God will keep his promises. Sometimes there will be a split second where my heart tells me what if the bible was just made-up.  I know I love Jesus and I know He is alive.  The devil likes to poison my heart, but God always helps me believe.

I believe Jesus because I heard that he called me.  When I heard that Jesus died on the cross for our sins I thought why did you do that because I deserved it and God no.  In church, they said why do you want to be baptized and I said so that people know that I trust Him and that I love him.  So they told me you are already of God because I trust Him and that is true and that day I learned a lesson, a big lesson, and that is true.  I love God and no matter what I am always going to love him with my heart.

I believe that he is the Only God and that he is the only one who can make miracles.  It means that He really died for us and our sins.  I am more like the criminal who didn't believe because we sin and sometimes we don't accept that we sin.  I am learning to trust Him because he loves us and because he wants the best for us even if it takes a lot of time.

God, I believe in you.  I have always believed in you since I was 7.  I remember one night when I was in my room.  My mom and dad were out and my sisters were sleeping.  I remember I was scared and didn't know what to do.  I started reading the Bible and I found a verse that said to me I didn't have to be afraid because God was watching over me every second.  So then I prayed to Him and accepted him into my heart.   I felt peace about staying home without my parents and my sisters sleeping.  I don't really think it is fair for God to die on the cross and not us because God didn't do anything wrong but humans have.

Dear Jesus, I am very sorry because of the times that I know I am doing something wrong but I still do it.  I think that sometimes I'm not sure what you are going to do with me.  For example, when I get in trouble and I realize that what I did was not what Jesus wanted me to do I am very sorry because I want to be with you in paradise like the second criminal.  

My response to Jesus is to obey him all the time.  I believe that he is my savior and he is the one who died on the cross for our sins.  Jesus dying on the cross means to me that he loves us and that's because he died on the cross for our sins.  I am more like the second criminal.  Yes, I believe that He will do all that He promised to do.

Jesus died on the cross to give us eternal life even when we don't deserve it.  That's why my favorite verse is John 3:16.  I think most of the time I am the second criminal.  I believe that God is my Savior.  This year, I feel like He touched my heart.

Sometimes when we go to church I prefer just to stay playing on my I-pad.  So, now I realize how was His death.  I always say sorry in my prayers.

My heart is so encouraged by these testimonies by such young brothers and sisters in Christ.  Their honesty is so great to see and it just makes me fall more in love with Jesus hearing their precious words.  I leave you, now, with one question...

Which Thief Are YOU??  What Do YOU Really Believe about Jesus??

Prayers/Praises:
Continued prayers for my transition back and all the emotional changes that come with that.  That my desire would be to continually seek God and his word through this time.

I will be writing another blog with my final thoughts on my adjustments and my ending time at ECA soon :-)  To those I have seen already, thank you for welcoming me back!!


Blessings,
Carrie

Teaching Chapel, Purpose for My Past, and Praying with Students...Random!!!

3rd Grade Chapel - Are You the Older Brother?
My 3rd Graders were the teachers in Elementary Chapel this past week.  Our theme is Responsibility this school year and we have been focusing on this statement:

Do What Is Right Because It Is Right, Even When No One Is Looking

As I thought about this topic and listened to other classes present on how God sees everything we do and we should still do what is right even if no one sees us.  It made me think of the story of the Prodigal Brothers.  We tend to focus on the rebellious brother who runs away with his Father's money.  However, I started to think about the Older Brother who stays behind.  While on the outside it looks like he is obedient and doing what is right, his attitude shows that he is not doing it for the right reason.  I had my students think about times when they realized they were doing something good to but to either get recognition or a reward for doing it.  You see, in my class I have many students who stay on the color "green" all day and always show obedience.  But, I wanted them to realize that they might start to think that they are super cool, amazing kids just because they were able to obey.  This might lead to being proud of their righteousness.  Jesus clearly tells us in the Bible that no one is righteous, not even one!  The reason we can love and obey at all is because Jesus first loved us and sacrificed for us.  Our motivation to do something right should be because Jesus did what was right first.  A few of my students wrote down personal stories about when they were acting like the Older Brother and what God taught them.

"One day I wanted to have a (stuffed animal) monkey of our classroom for the weekend.  The monkeys name was Meticulous.  So, I be the honest person in the classroom and obedient.  So, then Friday come and Miss Bergmann handle (handed out) the monkeys but I diren't won Meticulous.  So then I feel jealous but I learned that you don't have to be obedient or honest to just have something you want.  So you have to do what is right because it is right even when no one is looking.  The End."

"We were at math class.  A girl had left her math journal on the carpet.  No one was looking.  I thought it was fun to put her math journal in lost and found.  I knew it was hers, so I put it in lost and found.  I thought nothing was going to happen until I heard Miss Bergmann say, "Everybody put your heads down and whoever put her math journal in lost and found, please raise your hand.  Or no one will get to play at recess."  For my fault no one was going to play all because of me!!!  I had to raise my hand, so I did.  Do what is right no matter what even if no one is looking."

Some of the boys in my class wrote a song to go with our topic we were teaching on.  Here is copy of their wrap song :-)

Connecting with Students:
1. Being born with a genetic disorder (Turner's Syndrome), I have struggled with letting people know this side of me and having this fact control my identity.  God has graciously healed me of any hurt and fear I used to have and I am now comfortable sharing my testimony about how God has used a hard situation in life for good.  His glory shines through this story.  It makes me really excited when God uses this part of life to help someone else who is struggling (not necessarily with the exact same thing, but similar enough that we can relate.).  Just this past week, I have been able to connect with one of my students and was able to share with her my experiences growing up with this disorder.  This student is smaller in size and was out for a couple of days getting growth hormone shots to help make her taller.  I had already connected with this student as she struggled earlier in the year about being teased for her size.

Once she came back to school, I welcomed her back into class and gave her a hug.  She still looked tired.  I smiled at her and told her that I would love to have a special lunch with her because I understood what she just went through.  The look on her face was one of comfort.  We had such a good lunch as I shared with her my experience of getting shots and people teasing me when I was young.  I was able to remind her that God made both of us just how he wanted us to be.  He loves us just as we are and wouldn't change anything about us.  This actually brought healing to me as I began to see more and more purpose in having Turner's Syndrome.  If being able to encourage and help one of my students, it is all worth it.  This whole year I have seen her grow closer to Christ and really learn how much he loves her.  What a privilege to be a part of her faith!!

2. One of students who has struggled with friendships all year and feeling accepted by his classmates had a rough day last week.  He broke down crying during Spanish, so I was able to take him out in the hallway and talk with him.  What he was feeling was that no one liked him and that he had no friends.  I asked how his faith was helping him through this.  He began to explain how he has prayed to God to help change his friends' hearts to be nicer to him.  Also, he has been praying that God would help him be less sensitive to the things that his friends do to him.   But, then he said that even after these prayers he feels like God is not answering them.  This just made me so sad.  I shared with this student ways I have seen him growing this year and how I saw God working in his life.  Change takes time and I encouraged him to keep praying!!  May God show himself so strongly and clear to this student who is crying out for faith!!


Pics of LEGO and Nemocon
Below are some pictures of our fun LEGO Robotics week in Science thanks to an ECA alumna and her family.  We had such a fun time building and designing monkeys, lions, birds, and an alligator!  Also, here are some pictures of our Teacher Appreciation trip to Nemocon to eat a delicious lunch and visit a less touristic Salt Cathedral.  We definitely felt appreciated by the parents and the school.

Prayers/Praises:
For my parents who are travelling to Colombia to visit from June 2nd through the 13th to see the ministry of ECA again and to help move back to Chicago.  Details, details...

Please continue to pray for my transition back to the USA - for the good-bye process that is coming up soon and for integrating back into life at the Orchard and with my friends who are still in the Chicago area.

For the work God has done all year - may the students see the fruit and see the areas in which they have grown this year!  At this point, I have been focused on what hasn't changed yet, but pray that God would help us all focus on what did change!!

Pray for open positions at the school for next year - we still need a High School Science Teacher and either Kindergarten/3rd Grade Teacher still.  For those involved, may they trust that God will send the right people to fill these roles like He does every year.

For the sake of the gospel,
Carrie

Celebrate Colombia!!

One of my favorite days during the school year, ECA takes the time to celebrate Colombia and the heritage and history of their country.  Each class learns dances or tells stories about the history of their country.  I love how much cultural background they have.  The dances, costumes, and decorations are such a beautiful way to help our students fall in love with Colombia.  Below are a few dances or skits that the classes performed.  I hope you enjoy them as much as I did!!

11th Grade - Joropo

2nd Grade - This is Colombia!

4th Grade - Danza de Oro (Dance of Gold)

  

12th Grade

PK - Cumbia

1st Grade - Mapale

7th Grade

3rd Grade Skit

All of the students did so well and prepared so hard for this day.  I am so proud of all of them!!!!

Prayers/Praises:

Please pray for my transition back to the USA.  I am finding it hard to balance finishing life here in Colombia well while also needing to think about the future.  It is pulling me in many different directions with many emotions that come along with it.  May I truly trust and depend on Jesus at this time :-0

For my students - that they would love and be kind to one another and realize that their "joking" is actually really hurting some of their friends.  One student expressed to me that they have been praying to God about friendships (which are really difficult for this student) and that they feel like God is not listening or wants to help.  I was able to pray with him, but please join me in encouraging and lifting up this student in prayer!

Hands and Feet of Christ

Serving at Acoinprev

We had the privilege of inviting our friends from Acoinprev to visit our school recently.  After visiting them at their school back in October, my students were excited to love their new friends and be able to show them their school.  We had such a fun morning of playing games in English, making an Art Project (which my kids had already made, so they had to be the teachers!), playing soccer, and sharing our school library with them.

After we had fun playing and becoming better friends, we all came together and shared a snack.  Each student from ECA brought in snacks to share.  They were so excited to share food with their new friends who are from a poorer area of Bogota.  We ended our fun morning with singing a worship song and then telling them about Jesus.  One of our parents shared a story comparing the return of the Colombia National Soccer Team last summer after the World Cup with Jesus' triumphal entry into Jerusalem during Easter.  The students listened and learned all about who Jesus is and all about the special way we should welcome Him into our hearts.

After our friends left, my 3rd Graders wrote reflections and shared with each other about their experiences that morning.  Below, I have put some pictures of our morning and some of the thoughts from my 3rd Graders.  Enjoy!

"I help a friend named Sofia.  I help her in art.  She nows (knows) how to spell strawberry because I help her.  I serve a girl named Daniel.  She say thank you because I hand her my snack and show her friendship."

"This morning I felt good because I knew that it was going to be fun to serve them.  I pray that they would believe always in Jesus, remember that he is our Savior and more things."

"I'm going to pray for a new bathroom in Acoinprev.  I take 2 girls to the bathroom and they were like look how the toilets flush!!"

"I felt like they were an unreached people.  We did very well by giving them snacks, and love, and friendship, too!"

"So you can pray for them so God can go in their heart and so they can be more close to you and get you in their heart, God."

"It was awesome to serve.  I like to serve!"

"Good because we share with them and tried to be friends with them.  So we didn't feel sad because they or us didn't like each other.  I serve them by helping them in art.  Something surprising was that a kid plays good soccer!"

"Me and my friend were doing a lot of stuff together like doing the art stuff and doing the english games.  My favorite part was going outside and playing soccer.  What surprised me was that a girl of Acoinprev didn't recognize me when I was with her last time always."

"It felt really good serving them because we showing God's will and how God serves us and how we can serve them."

"My favorite part was in art.  It was the only time I got to communicate a little with Acoinprev kids.  I wonder if they ever bring snack to school?  It felt good to share our snacks and school with them."
.

"We are making pencil toppers and a girl named Laura asked me how to put it.  I was so surprise because she was the first one to ask me a question.  I want to pray for them.  Please help them know about more Jesus and God and please they can be good and don't hurt!"

"It was really cool when we play something of "Headbanz" and they didn't know how to play.  I got to help teach them.  They already know a lot of words in inglish like "bathroom" and "trash can".  I felt really good because they learn more about God and how to compare God and another person."
.

"The thing that surprise me is that a girl of Acoinprev played a lot of soccer.  It was cool!  Well, first I felt good when I shared a snack and it felt a lot more funner that I thought."

Prayers and Praises:
Please pray for hearts of my students - that they would realize how their teasing is actually hurting their friends.  Also, for any student that is feeling left out, rejected, or bullied - that they would have power and strength in Jesus to listen to who Jesus says they are over what they are feeling from their friends comments.

For my transitioning back to the USA in June - it will be really difficult to leave this wonderful community and ministry.  Please pray for faith and trust in God to surrender to Him all of the emotions and feelings I will experience during this time.

Blessings,
Carrie